Decluttering After A Death: How To Get Through It Without Regrets

Nobody can tell you a perfect formula for decluttering after a death of someone close to you. Even as someone who wrote the book on downsizing for life transitions, of which decluttering after death was a key chapter, I had to dig deep just so that I wasn’t spewing some generic tips that wouldn’t be beneficial to somebody going through such an incredibly difficult time.

The closest person I’ve ever lost was my grandmother. Even though that was painful, I know the experience wouldn’t even compare to the total loss I would feel if it were Matt or one of my daughters. So, understand that my heart goes out to you if you’re going through such a loss right now. This article is simply here to offer ideas and insights that might help.

I’m going to share some of my own personal insights based on years of helping students work through learning to let go of sentimental belongings and ideas I’ve come across while offering free decluttering workshops for virtual widows’ summits. But I’m also including some of the best ideas I’ve found from research, including advice from other experts and people who have experienced this first-hand.

When Is It Time To Go Through Things?

One of the big things that people want to know is “Am I grieving normally?” Are you going through things too fast? Are you holding onto things too long? And the truth is, there’s really no right way to grieve. People will experience their grief in different ways.

Unfortunately, you may have timelines that are completely out of your control. In that case, the process may end up being more rushed than you’re naturally ready for. Maybe the house needs to be sold now, or you need to move out of the apartment. This rushes along the process of going through your loved one’s belongings.

But, for everyone else, the timeline may seem very up in the air and uncertain. That’s ok.

Aimee Dufresne shares her heart-wrenching story of the sudden loss of her husband. Her experience is how I imagine mine would be – sleeping for days and waiting for the depression to lift a bit before actually getting around to digging into decluttering after the death of someone close.

I love the wording that she used to identify when it’s “time”:

❝ When you feel even the tiniest glimmer of hope and freedom in your gut at the thought of making space, it’s time. ❞

I should point out that there’s another layer impacting the timeline: the legal requirements for a will or trust. The timeline for an executor of a will depends on state laws and may have an exhaustive list of information gathering and possession-sorting. (I go into this more in my book, ‘Downsizing’).

Decide Who’s Going Through The Belongings.

According to Litsa Williams and Eleanor Haley, co-owners of ‘What’s Your Grief’, one of the biggest initial difficulties is determining who is actually going to be going through your loved one’s belongings.

When you share the responsibility with others.

Maybe your mother has passed away and you and your siblings are going to need to go through these things. It’s important to truly understand that there really is no right way of decluttering after a death. Everybody copes differently.

So, while one person might take the approach of getting everything cleared out as quickly as possible because it’s too painful to look at these belongings another day, another person may feel that it’s cruel to move things out so quickly. They may want to cling tight to their belongings for a long time. This can cause strife in relationships when one person doesn’t understand the way another grieves.

The best way to avoid tension is to communicate beforehand with everyone who has a part in going through this loved one’s belongings. Come to an agreement that nothing will be thrown out until everybody has had the opportunity to go through things.

When you’re the primary person responsible.

If you’re the person who’s solely responsible, you still need to decide if you want to go through the belongings alone or have somebody to help and support you in the process.

For example, I know that I personally prefer to grieve privately. I can already imagine that if I were to experience the deep tragedy of losing somebody very close to me, I would need that time to sit with their belongings and go through them alone to make decisions. But another person may feel a total barrier to even entering the room alone after such a loss.

So, the first step is to decide who will go through the belongings and how that will take place.

How To Sort The Belongings.

There are some types of clutter, like documents and papers, that can typically be handled as usual. (You can see steps on handling paper clutter right here). It may be tempting to just hold onto everything, but it’s important to make practical healthy choices for yourself.

You may not have room to store all of their furniture, even if the pieces are nice and you would love to keep them in the family. Making emotionally healthy and smart decisions is part of the process. Williams and Haley recommend 5 categories: save for me, save for others, sell, donate, and throw away. I feel like these categories cover all the bases. There are many methods for successfully decluttering after a death you may have never considered.

Save for me.

Deciding what to keep for yourself is the hard part. Remember that there are some alternatives to keeping the physical objects. For example, is it something that you could take a picture of, photocopy and digitize, or take a video with? Memories don’t have to be tangible.

You can keep more pieces by breaking them down and forming one larger piece. For example, you could take different sections of your loved one’s dresses or blankets and break them down to make one large quilt. This can be done with a number of items.

I once spoke at a widows’ retreat where a lady shared that she had taken pieces of her late husband’s clothes and sewn them into a teddy bear. I thought that was genius!

Joyce Hocker, Ph.D. suggests integrating the pieces into your life. This is something I’ve always agreed with. Rather than storing boxes of a loved one’s belongings in the garage, find pieces that you can actually use and integrate into your daily life in order to fully appreciate the items.

❝ I’m not a fan of 'box it up and store it.' If possible, integrate the remainders of a loved one’s life into your own or others’ everyday life. ❞

I was thinking about this very thing. If I had to go through Matt’s belongings I already know a few things that I would definitely keep – a few of his favorite shirts to sleep in or hoodies that I would wear. I would let Gracie keep his favorite Rubix cube that he taught her to solve. You know, the things that really call out as being a valuable reminder of the person you love.

Save for others.

If there’s something you know you don’t have space for or you know somebody else would really find valuable, save it for them. Ask them if they would like to keep it. If you have a large family, this is a great way to hold on to more things without actually hoarding more things inside your home.

Sell, donate, and throw away.

Remember, the purpose of keeping belongings after a loved one has passed away is to cherish their memory. You should feel confident selling or donating items that really aren’t a true reminder of that person.

If someone else can get some benefit out of the items, then their belongings become a force for good. Hopefully, this at least helps you along with making some tough decisions.

If you’re struggling with attaching sentiment to things then you should check out my article on sentimental items.