Advice to My Younger Self: I Turned 40, and Life Has Been Different Since

I’m now over 40, and with each passing year, I find myself reflecting more deeply on life, growth, and the journey of parenting. So much has changed, and while I’m trying to enjoy the day-to-day and am incredibly proud of the humans I’ve raised and the person I’ve become, it’s still a little bittersweet.

There’s also so much perspective I’ve been smacked in the face with over the past year—partly from starting over in my parental journey with an infant, and partly from watching my oldest quickly become an adult. Hindsight has been kicking in at full force.

There are so many things I wish I could have shared with myself in my twenties—or just my younger self in general. I’m going to share some of those here today.

1. The past doesn’t define you

I wish I had fully understood that when I was in my twenties. There were a lot of stupid things I did when I was young. I graduated a year early from high school and went to university in a beach town 6 hours away from everyone. I couldn’t wait to get away. And I don’t necessarily blame myself for that, but I made stupid decisions with that newfound freedom that I hung over my own head for decades. 

Seeing my almost 18-year-old daughter now navigate her way around the world makes me realize how ridiculously hard I was on myself from those years of 17-19.

Then, I got pregnant with Abigail at age 20, had a rush wedding, and divorced 5 years later. And all of those decisions defined me for so long. Now, Abigail is much better than I was, but I could never even imagine holding decisions she made at this age over her head for decades. She’s just learning. And so was I. 

2. You’re not old

It’s weird, but by the time I turned 18, I felt like I was on a clock. I was so anxious about every age, and I remember when I turned 27, for some reason, that one hit me hard. There was this internal pressure to constantly experience new things as if it were a mandate. I would be dying if I didn’t experience something new and exciting. Maybe all of that was a sign of my extreme anxiety at the time. I literally felt like if I wasn’t going forward at full speed, then I was going backward. 

In the end, it was all my way of coping with mortality. The fact that I’m going to die someday, and how can I make the most of it? But the mortality fear made me enjoy very little of it. Looking at my oldest daughter now, dating and working, and learning new social situations- it’s so exciting, but I’ve told Matt so many times I wouldn’t want to go back to that period of my life for anything, lol! I’m so much happier, calmer, and more grounded now than ever. 

You’re never too old to do things. I started my YouTube channel in my late thirties; I got married at 38 and had my third child at 39. My first international vacation wasn’t until I was 38, and I didn’t start my own business until I was 34. And I have SO much more I plan to do. Matt just went back to university for a second degree. I like the way Marissa says in her video, “There really is just time and what you choose to do with it.”

 3. Let him go

This goes to literally every relationship I ever had before Matt. I used to be terrified of being alone, so much so that I would cling to bad relationships, relationships that required so much more effort and force than is ever healthy. And it was all because I was afraid of being alone. Because I was dying, and if my life wasn’t all coming together- the kids, the husband, the home…then what if it never did? That was a terrifying thought. I was afraid a lot. I used to think I was exciting and bold, and maybe I was those too, but most of it was fear-based. 

Matt and I both agree dating sucks. Starting off rarely feels natural, and there is ongoing rejection on both sides. He said something funny recently. He said, “There are 2 things you have to interview and search for in life- jobs and partners- I would MUCH rather be searching for a job than a partner.”  In other words, I’m glad I got you, boo. 

And honestly, I barely remember those other guys now that I’ve found the right person for me. 

4. Set your own expectations

For years, I lived under the thumb of other people’s beliefs and expectations. I would reach out to these people for guidance as if I couldn’t decide on my own. I didn’t trust myself to make decisions because I had always relied on others to do it for me. And whatever they said was typically what I went with. Those external expectations did not fulfill me. And because I was exposing myself to outside determinations of success and approval, I constantly felt the need to prove something.

I make a point of having my girls make decisions on their own. There’s a movie called “Before I Sleep” with Chloe Moretz- I love her parents in that movie, and her mom basically tells her she has two paths to choose and that’s all they are- paths. Not one right and one wrong. Just life and the decisions we make. 

5. Make someone else happy

I was kind of taught that you can’t trust anyone else to make you happy, so you might as well make yourself happy. And I focused for years on making myself happy and taking what I needed. My mother was really into the Descartes quote “I think therefore I am,” which I have to admit, I was pretty intrigued by. I love philosophy as much as the next person- maybe even more. 

That quote was the end of the search Descartes conducted for a statement that could not be doubted. He couldn’t doubt that he existed since he was the one doing the doubting. But everything else was debatable. So, I exist because I’m the one thinking the question, but for all I know, the rest of you are figments of my imagination or simulations. 

It’s interesting, but with that kind of thought, you’re left prioritizing yourself as the only valid option. It’s a bit narcissistic, which is how I behaved when that was my motto. When I finally flipped that and focused on making someone else happy…I suddenly became a happy person. People gave value to me because they wanted to, and I did the same. Everyone becomes full of that objective. Nobody’s happy when everyone is serving themselves. 

I like to think of it as, “You can get what you take, but that’s all you’re gonna get.” If you are out for yourself, whatever you get is all you’ll get. You could be so much more fulfilled focusing on making other people happy. 

6. Never owe a credit card company

There were years of my life when I made great money and stayed in debt because I thought it was just what you’re supposed to do. It’s the normal thing to do. I would pay the minimum and transfer the amount to a new no-interest card, which would cost me a transfer fee upfront, but hey, it was no interest. 

For the past 8 years, I’ve maintained no credit card debt. When I purchase a card, which I do every month to collect points and rewards, I pay it off like a bill the same day each month. My finances have been enormously improved since changing my relationship with credit cards. 

7. Nobody is one thing

I’ve found that it’s important for my sanity to accept that nobody is one thing. People aren’t just jerks, or nice, or alcoholics, or friends, or parents, or young or old- people are many things all at once. It becomes more difficult to label and more necessary to accept people and situations when you can first accept that nobody is just one thing. You can let it go- whatever it is.  

Accepting doesn’t mean you need to stay in a relationship with people; I think an important part of accepting is accepting that sometimes, for whatever reason, people don’t mix well. Or people in conjunction with specific situations don’t mix well. But you can leave a bit of compassion behind and, at the very least, not carry around a bunch of resentment for the rest of your life. 

8. More stuff, just for the sake of it, will never make you happy

I once spent a year and a half designing my own home. I watched it being built from the ground up and chose every piece of material. It was beautiful. I sold it a year later after getting divorced. Things can make things easier- Having more space for a big family and a yard for your pup can definitely make things easier, but they won’t make you happy. If you’re already unhappy, buying something isn’t going to change that. 

As Alexis says on Schitt’s Creek, “Spending money might not bring you happiness, but it can make you smile.”

9. Most people don’t care what you do

"No one cares, David. People aren’t thinking of you the same way you are.” - Alexis Rose from the TV show Schitt's Creek.

Who knew Alexis was so wise? I’ve spent so much of my life trying to avoid being offensive or ruffling feathers. Being worried about what other people think not only leads to a very vanilla life, and internal turmoil. 

But the truth is, nobody cares. People have their insecurities and lives going on, and nobody is worried about you the way that you think they are. I find myself telling this to my daughters a lot when they feel too nervous to go talk to someone or to ask someone to hang out. I flip it around. “Would you mind if they talked to you or asked you to hang out? No. And they’re not thinking that either.”

10. Your job doesn’t define you, but it can contribute to your level of happiness

I used to think that my vocation was the end-all-be-all in my value description, and I spent so many years absolutely toiling and panicking over what my big career would be. Over the years, after holding many positions and making friends in many walks of life, I learned that vocation doesn’t equate to success or overall life satisfaction. But your job can contribute to feeling miserable or fulfilled. 

I’ve had soul-sucking jobs, I’ve had altruistic jobs, I’ve had jobs that just paid the bills and others that brought a sense of purpose. At the end of the day, it’s what you personally feel about your vocation that matters- not your career’s social clout or specific dollar sign, although not being able to pay your bills does also contribute to your level of happiness. 

These are the most critical life lessons that I learned over the past 20 years. Some of them I had to learn on repeat until I got it. I was telling Matt recently that it’s like we keep getting the same tests in life over and over again until we pass it. So, we can choose to keep failing and being stubborn in our ways, or we can make a real effort to learn whatever lesson is being served up to us. 

Food for thought.